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Section: Braingasms
Editor: Pau | Supposedly Under: braingasms | Email this
“ALRIGHT. WHO’S THE ASSHOLE WHO FUCKING GAVE ME A FUCKING BUTTERFLY?!” I asked the guys nicely.
Blank stares answered me. And not a few thumbs up some asses. In some cases two.
“A butterfly, Pau?” asked Baddie.
“Yes, a butter—fucking—fly. Did I stutter?” The guys shifted uncomfortably, each of them waiting for somebody else to answer.
“Well no Pau,” Coco interjected. “If you stuttered, we would have heard you say ‘Butt—-butt-butt-butt-butterfly!’ AMIRITE?!” The severity of my glare told me that he was indeed, “not rite.”
“I’M GOING TO START COUNTING—-” I went on.
“And we’re going to start dancing.” continued Bim. Or rather, that’s what he tried to say before I punched him in the neck. In reality, what he said was “And we’re going to start—-OW OW OW JESUS PEDRO CHRIST!”
“Now then. I’m going to ask again. Nicely this time. Which one of you sensible idiots gave me this fucking butterfly?” I said, with much restraint.
Editor: Adrian Magnaye | Supposedly Under: braingasms | Email this
A few months ago, I had my palm read by
Cheska. It was all going kind of nice and well, until she got to the obligatory “your life will be a total mess courtesy of some divine intervention but this sort of intervention is probably done by Satan, because you’ll get fucked up REAAAAL bad it’s unbelievable” part. So the conversation went a little something like this:
Cheska: Show me your palm so I can read– HOLYFUCKINGSHIT.
Me: What?
Cheska: OH LORD THIS IS HORRIBLE.
Me: What? What do you see? WHAT DO YOU SEE, WOMAN?
Cheska: I THINK I’M GONNA FAINT–
Me: WILL I DIE IN A CAR CRASH? WILL I GET HORRIBLY DISFIGURED IN A FREAK ACCIDENT? WILL MY PENIS GET CUT OFF BY AN EVIL SCHEMING WIFE? WILL SHE SELL MY PENIS ON EBAY? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?!?!?!111one
Cheska: I chipped a nail! And I just had a manicure! OH NOES!
Me: Wait, what?
Cheska: So, yeah. Horrible.
Me: Whew. I thought you were seeing some dark horrible fate that will befall me–
00
Editor: Baddie | Supposedly Under: braingasms | Email this
Round 1 went to The Norris, but Your Mom thinks it was a fluke! She wants a rematch and The Norris is ready to give it to her, so let’s get it on!
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
Yo momma so poor she envies you to death for having five dollars.
Advantage: Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn’t lifting himself up. He’s pushing the Earth down.
Yo momma so fat Chuck Norris can’t push her down. Or up. Or sideways.
Advantage: Yo momma
Editor: Pau | Supposedly Under: braingasms | Email this
Are you getting tired of all the shit that ninjas have to put up with just to get through the day? People cross the street when they see you walking. Dogs hate you because they can never sense whenever you’re near. The Pirate kids down the street keep egging your house while shouting “We’re way cooler than you!”
Then your neighbors are always updating their state of the art home security systems (which never succeeds in stopping you from sneaking in and “borrowing” some stuff like sugar, milk, and kidneys). It’s hard for you to find a place to stay because your roommates have a tendency of disappearing on you. You can’t even find a date because the Ninja Code you live by prohibits you from uploading your real pic in your Friendster profile page:
Also:
So we’re here to help you to leave your Ninja ways behind and successfully to assimilate yourself into society. Below is a short list of scenarios designed to point you toward the right direction in a happier existence with the people around you.
If by any chance, a venomous scorpion finds its way inside your shoe, do not wear it. I know you really like that pair of shoes and I agree that you’d look silly wearing only one shoe, but bro your shoe belongs to the venomous scorpion now. He has like neurotoxic venom or some shit that could give you a bad case of death if you get stung.
