Five Fearless Forecasts for Two Thousand and… Five? No, Eight.
GOD DAMN IT. Why must my dreams of creating mildly amusing titular alliterations be quashed once again? Okay so the first one wasn’t really an attempt at alliteration, but a rhyme. Regardless of which, it’s really breaking my balls that it isn’t 2005 right now. I mean, how many words can you rhyme with “eight?” Well a lot, apparently, but that’s beside the point.
So Coco, why don’t you just come up with eight predictions instead of five? Okay, Wiseass. First of all, “forecast” doesn’t have a synonym that begins with an “E,” and neither does “fearl—-” You know what? Shut up. Seriously, just shut your fucking trap or I will sock you right in the face.
Anyway, here be my predictions:
In TV, the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers will finally come to terms with the Writer’s Guild of America, ending a year-long writer’s strike, paving the way for the return of such terrific, scripted shows like Gay’s Anatomy. Did I say “Gay’s Anatomy?” I’m sorry, what I meant to say was “Grey’s Homosexualnatomy,” starring Fagrick Dempsey and Ellen Pom-Gay-o. Seriously though, it’s about goddamned time that we get more servings of the Jack Bauer Power Hour. If he gets out jail in time. Which he will. Because he’s Jack Fucking Bauer.
Anyone get the Strangebrew reference in this photo? No? K.
In blogging, I predict that everyone’s lives will continue to suck more than everybody else’s. It’s no secret that the blogging world is nothing more than a giant, documented “my life is the suck”-off amongst people who have nothing better to do at home.
I myself am guilty of the occasional onlwhine (Online? Whine? Get it?!? I totally made that up literally just now lololol), and I’m not making any excuses. Sure, there are some who complain for the sake of humorous self-depracation, but there are those who just fail at life, quite frankly; “LOSERS”, if you will. So yeah, I predict that these lowlifes whose self-esteems equal those of Girls Gone Wild participants and serial rapists will do a lot more complaining this 2008.
In music, Andrew McMahonism will become a certified religion as Jack’s Mannequin’s sophomore album, tentatively-titled “The Glass Passenger,” hits stores in April and will be purchased by anyone with a remote sense of good taste. Those who refuse to get a copy will be sent to exile… IN CANADA! Dun dun dunnn!
Another music-related prediction: the guys from Deftones and Nine Inch Nails will fuck each other in their penis holes. They will subsequently die from all the penis hole-fucking that they’ve been doing, which will be blamed on karma for their creation of the most asinine music EVER.
I really don’t have a prophecy regarding movies, but I just want to say that I’m actually more excited for Iron Man than The Dark Knight. Blasphemy, I know. Oh wait, here’s a prediction (the fifth and final one yay!): Similar to Highlander, Michel Gondry’s Be Kind Rewind will win the Academy Award. “For what,” you ask?
For Best Movie Ever Made.
