Hello Sir Have a Nice Day. Oh btw, Please stop being fat
Disclaimer: I myself am fat. The sentiments enclosed in the story below are aimed to those who are really fucking fat. And when I say really fucking fat, I mean those who look like they can die at any time and those who are like over 200 lbs. (I’m at 192. So yeah.)
Everyday, after I sign off from work, I usually do this convenience store sortie thing where I indulge myself in the pleasure of consuming fatty pre-packaged delights which contain no nutritional value whatsoever. If you’re the littlest bit familiar with the Philippines, you’d know that most major gasoline stations in the Philippines are built with their own branded convenience stores. If not, then LOL YOUR FACE BECAUSE YOU SUCK!Anyway, last night found me paying for a large Jiminy Pizza, Iced Coffee and Cadbury milk bar in the Caltex Star Mart along C5. In front of me were two really fucking fat guys whom I assumed to be father and son because not only are they both really fucking fat, they also looked alike.
So they finished their business in front of the counter, I paid for my food and casually headed towards the store’s glass doors to exit. In front of me was the father beach whale and the father beach whale’s who were heading towards the door as well.
The son beach whale exited the glass door without incident, the father beach whale, and this is where it gets ugly, barely cleared the door way and abruptly stopped as soon as he stepped outside to light a cigarette. Unbeknownst to him, he blocked the entire fucking door way with his fat and caused me to trip over his ginormous cankles and spill my iced coffee all over the place and not to mention my shirt.
Instead of me being the one up father beach whale’s face, he slowly (and I mean slowly. I mean come on, he’s like really fucking fat) turned around and snapped “Putang ina naman. You should really look where you’re going!” This caught me off guard so much that I found myself saying “I’m sorry” in a really small, scared to shit voice. As if that wasn’t enough, Father Beach Whale snapped “It’s all your fault! Watch where you’re going next time!” As I walked away in utter shame and disgust at myself.
That just wasn’t right. If I could like hop in a delorean and travel back to yesterday, I wouldn’t have been so polite because really, it wasn’t my fucking fault. Not only is it Father beach whale’s fault, he’s also like really fucking fat.
Instead of saying I’m sorry, I probably would’ve said “I’m really sorry you decided to stop and park your fat ass right under the door way causing me to trip over your tree-trunk leg. I’m sorry about you being fat, having an eroded sense of self-respect and clinical insecurity, things which undermined the fact that I was right. And to show you how sincere I am with my apology, would you like to take a bite of my arm? I know you’d like that because you’re like super fucking fat and all. Maybe, I’ll go back inside to spread mustard and ketchup all over my arm so you could have a grand time EATING IT.”
So yeah, fucking beach whale. Fucking Beach whale and his beach whale son. Fucking Beach whale, his son and the stupid Tamaraw FX they rode on in. FUCK.
