Inner Child Therapy: On Aging
Ade: This morning, I found three gray hairs on my head.
Inner Child: So?
Ade: That means I’m growing old, you insensitive sonofabitch.
Inner Child: And tell me again, why should I care?
Ade: Um, because you’re part of my subconscious?
Inner Child: And?
Ade: I knew it, you couldn’t care less if I’m on the road to growing old. I’ll go find somebody to talk to.
Inner Child: Wait, wait. You’re growing old?
Ade: Apparently, yes. Y’see, we humans have something called a BODY. A body, which parts of the ego like you do not have, ages. And therefore, when the body ages, stuff happens, like an aching back, a thinning hairline, an expanding belly and an inability to sustain an erection for more than three seconds. And oh yeah, white hair.
Inner Child: You mean… you can’t keep your birdie stiff for more than three seconds?
Ade: NO! I didn’t mean me, I meant-
Inner Child: But you just said-
Ade: My point is, I’m growing white hair and I feel old.
Inner Child: But what about your bird?
Ade: Let’s not talk about THAT, okay?
Inner Child: Why not?
Ade: Let’s just talk about something else okay?
Inner Child: Okay. Like what?
Ade: Like my white hair and the prospect of aging. Man, I’m only 24. This shouldn’t happen to me.
Inner Child: 24? You’re old. Also, I can keep my birdie stiff for more than 3 seconds. I win!
Ade: I… uh… nice to know. Can we stop making references to erectile dysfunction please?
Inner Child: LOLz you said “erectile dysfunction”.
Ade: What the fuck is wrong with you, kid?
Inner Child: LOLz erectile dysfunction!
Ade: ...
Inner Child: E-rec-tile Dys-func-tion! LOLz!
Ade: Somehow, I fail to understand the fascination.
Inner Child: LOLz what part of erectile dysfunction do you not find funny?
Ade: Wait, let me think about it. Maybe it’s the part where I do not have it.
Inner Child: But you’ll get it someday! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ade: Whatever.
Inner Child: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Ade: ...
Inner Child: BECAUSE OF… ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ade: Um. That joke did not make any sense, y’see.
Inner Child: Of course it doesn’t. Neither does ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
Ade: Dude, why the hell are you obsessed with erectile dysfunction? Are you gay or something?
Inner Child: ... what?
Ade: You + obsession with flaccid penises = gay
Inner Child: That’s not true!
Ade: My dear young self, I’m only reporting what I see.
Inner Child: My dear old self, you’re just growing cranky. And old.
Ade: Exactly. I’m growing old. I’ll be hitting 25 in a few months, don’t you know? I’ll have lived a quarter of a century already! It… it feels I’ve lived for centuries already, but it’s still a blink of an eye on a universal scale. Yet… I still feel old. Can’t you grasp with your itty-bitty mind the significance of that?
Inner Child: ... No.
Ade: I hate you.
Inner Child: Just kidding. You know what? There’s one good thing that can come out of aging. Wanna know what it is?
Ade: What?
Inner Child: ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!!1111oneoneoneeleventyone
Ade: Sh- shut up. Seriously. Just… shut up.
