Jack Bauer Lite
Hi. My name is Gino, code name: Jack Baddier. I’m here in my room, waiting for the Sandman to put me to sleep. By the way, I’m not talking about the mythical creature. Sandman is the codename of one of my fellow agents in a top secret government organization. He’s going to inject me with a serum that will induce sleep. After weeks of not getting enough rest, I can finally lay down on my bed and sleep fo… what the fuck?! Now why the hell is that dog barking?! Dammit. But before I find that out, I need to know first which of our half dozen stupid dogs is barking.
Dammit, Chloe! Why aren’t you answering?! I need to triangulate the location of this stupid canine by using your state-of-the-art satellite tracking system! Bah. I guess I have to this old school.
Fuck. It’s my sister’s shih tzu. I codenamed him Shit You. Because he’s full of shit. Literally. I mean, how can all that shit come out of one little fucker?! I hate Shit You with all my secret agent heart. It all started when he chewed on my G.I. Joe action figures. Poor, poor Mercer.
Baddie: Who are you working for?!
Shit You: Arf?
Baddie: I said, who are you working for?!
Shit You: Arf! Arf!
Baddie: Who the hell are you working for?!
Shit You: Arf! Arf! Arf!
Baddie: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!
Shit You: Arf?
Baddie: DAMMIT!!! ... Fine.
There. I locked Shit You in my secret locker under my bed. I hope he doesn’t chew on my stash of glyceryl trinitrate, or else he’ll blow us all to Kingdom Come. Now to see why he’s barking like someone shoved a pineapple up his ass. Which reminds me of that time in college when I got stone drunk and my… wait. Who’s that outside with my sister?
This dude my sister calls “Honeycakes” is one sinister fellow. I bet he’s just pretending to be my sister’s boyfriend and is actually a spy keeping tabs on me. Must be extracting information from our computer where I’m working on a highly classified nuclear explosive project. Quite a smart disguise he has. My family is Filipino, and that’s probably why he’s pretending to be a Filipino too. He acts Filipino, he speaks Filipino, even his family is Filipino. He’s so deep in his Filipino disguise that when I analyzed the hair strands I found in his locked car, it turns out he really is related to his family, he hates Teri Hatcher, and he loves basketball. Cunning tart, this Honeycakes guy. Must pretend to work on my computer so he can’t use it.
If I join Warbook, will you guys promise you won’t boink me in the ass?
LOLga, Bros vs. Hos is like the offspring of Superpoke and Vampires. You recruit and then you do some actions to earn points. SEXILY.
GODDAMMIT PAU STOP ATTACKING MY MONKEY!!!11
I’m kicking ass on this (fluff)Race shit! BOO-YAH!
Facebook says my estimated IQ is 140. That can’t be right.
HUHLOLZ This must be the most important article I’ve ever written my whole life! I can never top the awesomeness of this! http://bigbaddie.c
GODDAMMIT TinyURL! You’re messing up my Twitter life!!!
Finally, he’s realizing he can’t get through my impenetrable computer security system (i.e. my ass sitting in front of it). He’s saying his stupid nothings and he’s getting ready to leave. Success! I win this battle, dastardly espionage demon! And surely you realize that I will also win this war. BOHAHAHA!!!
Have to check our gate tomorrow. There must be something wrong with it. It should have fired poison-tipped darts programmed to seek Honeycakes’ neck when he breached the designated target area. Bah. Anyhoo, at last! The Sandman can finally enter our house unnoticed and inje… oh great. Why is that cat meowing inside our bathroom? But, whatever. I can deal with that. His meow isn’t loud enough to… wait. We don’t have a cat.
