Mikey's top 5 most awful posts of 2007
1.) The Caucasian’s guide to transportation in the Philippines: The Traysikel
You first should be familiar with the various characters who inhabit the highways of the Philippines and the various instruments of death and destruction they drive. If you are from Brazil, well we really don’t care about you as you probably don’t have much money but if you live in rich countries particularly ones situated in North America and Europe, then we love you and would do everything to make your stay here as fun-filled as possible because seriously, if we lose more foreign investments, the Japanese will nuke the shit out of us and use our fertile soils to grow electric babies who will grow up to have ginormous eyes and small hips.
Using the same trite, hackneyed jokes like racism and obesity that might have been funny two years ago, I gained nothing from this article but emails suggesting that I use my word processor’s spellcheck feature and the ire of Tricycle drivers everywhere.
2.)The life of Jose Mari Chan part 1: History
At first, I tried starring in various independent films about interracial love triangles and depression but that didn’t work out. I hit rock bottom when I appeared unbilled in an X-rated flick. Although this is easily one of the worst moments of my career, it was on this porn film’s set that I met my wife Dorothy, a transgender porn star. Dorothy had 5 children from a pervious marriage (before she got a vagina).
We met up in her dressing room where I let her listen to my first version of Please Be Careful with my Heart where I went “Please be careful withhhh…” and she was like “I’ll be careful Withhhhh…” And we were both “yourrrrr hearrrrt…” We were inseparable ever since and sooner than I thought, we were having the best sex a 5,000 peso surgeon who operates at the back of a van could afford.
In my defense, I was trying to do a Damien Hurst and write an article that is the literary equivalent of a “sensationalist” art piece.
I am still awaiting my arraignment in the Quezon City Regional trial court.
3.) Rejected Filipino dubs for Heroes
Don’t worry, you’re not alone. I’m still waiting for the punch line too.
We here at Apple endeavor to achieve perfection—a perfection made possible only through years of creating overly minimalistic products, positioning them in such a way that they come off affectedly trendy and attaching a hefty price tag to them thus effectively alienating the typical consumer—and we are untiring when it comes to making our products better. If you purchased an earlier model of the iCat™, you might notice slight changes in your new unit. Changes which, we are confident, make this model 420% more efficient and user-friendly than the previous incarnation.
Steve Jobs joke + dry sarcasm = FAIL.
5.) How to resist raping little kids
Going to mass has this weird effect on men. Sure it does bring us closer to the lord, but it does also make us crave little boys. I don’t know if it’s all the praise songs, the ceremonies, or just the fact that altar boys look so sexy, but regardless, it is in your best interest as a future reformed pedophile to stop any form of church activity if you want to stop conjuring thoughts of getting some ass play from an altar boy atop a belfry.
The longer you continue to enjoy a insidious church lifestyle, the harder it is to break away from the pattern of immoral thoughts and ultimately, you will become like most Catholic priests: Insatiable boy-fucking monsters with perpetual half erections.
Trust me on this, the road to being a heretic is a much safer route for you and children everywhere to take.
The awfulness of this article defies everything. Even a description.
