Man-Blog

Negative Thinking For Idiots

Editor: Mike Villar | Section: braingasms | Email this | Viewed 495 times.

The second my girlfriend handed me a copy of a Blue Mountain book about Positive Thinking, I knew I had it—The crushing validation that I, Mike Villar, Rising Internet Star, am the world’s biggest pessimist.

I know that my girlfriend has nothing but good intentions in wanting me to think more positively and frankly, I am all for changing for the better.

But while that’s true, I see no real pragmatic reason to become a frivolous, young optimist. I mean come on, how fun can that be? All those optimists do is to anticipate that everything is going to end up fine peachy in situations where normal people (and negative thinkers like myself) would have no choice but to embrace the staggering truth that life is transient, happiness is an illusion and we are born for only one purpose: To die.

Anyway, before I cross over to a world where musical little bunnies follow me where ever I go and colorful flowers sprout where ever I tread; I want to make sure that I pass the torch to a new batch of people who’re going to keep it real. A batch of people who will believe only one immutable truth: and that is the world is nothing but a savage joke played by a negligent, chortling God and no matter how good this life gets, it’s nothing but a grim preview of the burning, eternal hell that awaits us in the afterlife.

In order for me to succeed in this endeavor, I have created a guide that differentiates the reactions to everyday scenarios of a positive thinker from that of a negative thinker. Remember, it is important that you learn how to think negatively as soon as possible. After all, every day you spend in this forlorn Earth is like another step you take towards your inevitable doom.

Scenario #1: Waking up for work in the morning

Oh wow I didn’t realize it was Tuesday! It’s like my favorite day of the week! Along with Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday!I can’t wait to get to the office! I mean after all, I have an entire weekend’s worth of cool things to talk about with my fun office friends!If they ignore me like the last time, I’m just going to work on emptying my buckets and working on projects I have queued in my pipeline because, really, there is no better feeling in the world than the feeling of being productive!

I seriously don’t know why I even bother getting up. I am a failure at everything I do most especially my job.I know that my boss is going to fire me any day now and I still haven’t come down the cocaine high I was in over the weekend.

Besides, going to work means that I have to talk to those douchebags I’m supposed to call coworkers. I mean, wow! Another long-winded story about what you and your senile parents did for fun over the weekend! Well let me tell you about how I spent the entire day Saturday shooting meth and then let me follow up on that by telling you how I jacked off to the wonderful thought of the warm embrace of death—an embrace that comes with the comforting fact that I would never have to talk to you assholes again.

Scenario #2: Getting dressed for work

Hi there, my reflection in the mirror! You’re looking like a champion! I know just by looking at you that today is going to be a wonderful day! The corporate world is going to open up for me like a flower that blooms in spring time!I’m sure the ladies in the office will swoon as soon as I walk in today—that is if I get through the traffic jam my wonderfully matched shirt, perfectly ironed pants and newly-polished pair of shoes just created!

Hi there, my reflection in the mirror! The sight of you makes me want to hurl my liver out. You have the color sense of Stevie Wonder and the shirt you’re wearing looks like it was scooped out of a crime scene involving two homeless people who apparently fought over a donut.I say, you stay in today. I mean, unless you want to be hunted down by the towns people or be attacked by every animal within a three kilometer radius.

Wait, don’t say anything, before you try to muster ample wattage to light up that dim bulb you call a brain and think about heading out that door, why don’t you take a minute to consider the alternative—It’s called hanging yourself with a nylon cord. It’s fun and easy!

But you’re probably going to fuck that up too. Whatever.

Scenario #3: Seeing an attractive chick walking down the street

Oh my God! She’s like sooooooo my type! I am confident that with my generally charming personality coupled with a strong pick up line, I can get her to agree to go out with me this weekend!It’s going to be a really nice date! We’ll eat at a fancy restaurant, I will give her a kitten as a present and if we hit it off then, she just might let me slip my bird in her flower! Yay!

Meh. Sure, she looks like divine but I can tell just by looking at her that she gets high destroying the lives of men and grinding their cheeks against the dirt.She is an intricately crafted, shimmering golden box full of maggots. Why would I even think of asking her out? I mean even if she does agree, she’ll just lead me on and maybe scrounge money off of me.

After that, she’ll probably ask me to come insider her house to take advantage of me further. She’ll probably try to seduce me with her perfect, supple breasts and she’d probably have me hooked by then—until I notice that she has an unusually huge bulge in her panties.

I’ll probably panic and try to scream for help only to realize that she had cut off my tongue with that katana blade she’s holding.

So no, I better forget about her and do some more drugs or drink myself to death.

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That about does it for this guide. I know I probably failed in educating you with it but hey, on a more positive note-wait, there is no positive note. Also, did I already mention that we’re all bound to die?