The Secret History of The Grand Order of FAIL
I would rather fail spectacularly than succeed minimally. – Alexander Luthor
Ten lost souls wandered aimlessly across the desolate soil of the blue and green ball floating in space called Earth. Each searching for the most awesome of life’s goals: EPIC WIN. They want to win in life. They want to conquer it. They want to rule their own lives with iron hands and golden dicks. But alas, these poor fellows only ended up with EPIC FAIL:
Accomplished Perfect Pedophile – He wanted to own all the young boys in his village to be his playmates, but all he got were the girls. He didn’t really have a problem with girls, but still. FAIL.
August General in Walrus Hide – He wanted to save the souls of those around him, deliver them from evil and shit, but he corrupted them instead. FAIL.
Celestial Wanker – He wanted to invent a machine that can solve all the problems inflicting his native land, but he just ended up inventing a square wheel. FAIL.
Socialist Red Modelman – He wanted to conjure the souls of dead great men to guide the current generation into a Utopian future, but all he conjured were a bunch of dead monkeys. FAIL.
Ghost Fox Douchebag – He wanted to write the greatest rock ‘n’ roll poem in the world, but all he came up with were lyrics for Christian songs. Also, he doesn’t know how to read. FAIL.
Father of Snarkers – He wanted to catch UFOs on video and possibly make contact with extraterrestrials, but the only interesting footage he got was the ghost of Hitler having sex with the ghost of Chris Farley. FAIL.
Immortal Man in the Crapper – He wanted to be the greatest war hero in history, but he ended up being a waitress at a Hooter’s. With flat boobs. FAIL.
Five Deadly Fingers – He wanted to bring down Bill Gates’ empire with the help of his good friend Satan, but it was revealed that Bill Gates and Satan are one and the same. FAIL.
Shaolin Idiot – He wanted to conquer the world and crush all its armies under his awesome boots, but he fell quite quickly with a wicked punch to the balls from a homeless person. FAIL.
Thunderdick – He wanted to star in a porn flick with Victoria’s Secret models and a bunch of Hooter’s waitresses, and he almost did, but one of those waitresses was the Immortal Man in the Crapper. He passed on the opportunity. FAIL.
Realizing that there is strength in numbers, these men decided to join forces and form a group that aims to defeat their destiny of failure. Thus was born The Awesome Ten. They even adopted a theme song for an added feeling of WIN, “Princes of the Universe” by Queen:
Aside from avoiding EPIC FAIL for themselves, they also wanted to help the rest of humanity by putting up the School for Children Who Fail Miserably. As brilliant an idea that was at the time, it didn’t really fly. Which made The Awesome Ten very, very sad. It led them to changing their name from The Awesome Ten to TenGwapo.
As TenGwapo, they decided to put up a group blog that… well, it wasn’t actually a blog per se. There wasn’t really any kind of original content there. They just scraped several video uploading sites for mildly amusing video clips. They wanted to bring joy to the world to hopefully inspire everybody to always have WIN in their lives, but they failed. So TenGwapo shut down their nutty group blog and rechristened themselves as The Grand Order of FAIL.
They realized the first step in solving life’s problems is acknowledging these problems, hence their new name. These noble men, however, are still thinking of ways not to fail in life, but so far, they’re… um… failing. It’s the greatest irony of them all, really. Failing in their initiatives to promote not failing. It’s so ironic that if you look up the word “irony” in the dictionary, you’ll see a group picture of The Grand Order of FAIL.
But if there’s one thing they didn’t fail on, it’s finding friendship within their group. In a totally non-gay way, of course. They’re the living proof that although life’s failures can be overwhelming sometimes, it’s easier when you have comrades to make it all go down easier. Life can be full of EPIC FAIL, but with the help of friends (and beer), you can wash it all away with EPIC WIN.
