Myspace patrol episode 1
As Mikey so diligently watches over the denizens of Friendster, I have taken it upon myself to patrol Myspace, another social networking site, recently acquired by Fox. Although I have discovered that Myspace seems to be inhabited by more pretty young things willing to bare their boobies or more on the web (or in the very least, very very good fakers) I am sad to report that Myspace also has it’s share of ghastly beings. I initially brought my findings to Mikey and our expert delibirations are reprinted below in full.
Case 1: Arthur
Mike: Jay from one of the most hated bands in the Philippines, Cueshe, shows the public what he does in his spare time. Pinching his own nipples.
adammordo: run for your lives! it’s the ugly haired milk squirting christmas troll! and he’s got a camera phone! gasp!
Mike: This guy looks like the guy who washes my car. You know how all carwash boys look the same? Loose shorts, leather belt, yellow duralite slippers.
adammordo: and that pout pare. maybe he didn’t get what he want for christmas?
adammordo: what he needed to get though is a freakin shirt! put one on christmas troll!
Case 2:
adammordo: angelyn reminds me of a long ago post regarding hipons
adammordo: wouldn’t you agree?
Mike: I agree. Although she reminds me more of a dog. A really rabid, messed up one.
Mike: And what the fuck’s up with her boobs?
adammordo: or at least someone who was really messed up by one!
Mike: And the granny panties!
adammordo: the pose, although attempting to be seductive only makes me want to yell at her to put some clothes on and get back to doing the laundry.
Mike: “Koya, wag po Koya!”
Mike: “Walang koya koya, TUWAD!”
Case 3: Paul
Mike: This kid probably gets bullied a lot. In college.
adammordo: “ok lang walang tulog, malapit ko na matapos ang mario 3. mase save ko na si princess!”
Mike: “Paul! Matulog na! Pupunta pa tayo sa Church bukas! Tapos dadaan tayo sa wildlife.”
Case 4: Jennifer
Mike: The grocery attendant managed to restrain this beast with a headlock before it drank all the orange soda.
adammordo: THE MOLE!
Case 5: Ricky
adammordo: i mean, c’mon…what the fuck?!!! i don’t effin care who or what you are, no self respecting man should have a photo like this.
Mike: Give him a break man. He’s just showing the world the only action he’s getting.
adammordo: poor pillow.
Case 6: Joaquin
Mike: I think his necklace is on too tight. His face is turning red.
adammordo: what the? talk about MID LIFE CRISIS! obviously, this poor old man is confused about his age. perhaps he suffered a concussion from the accident where he lost all his hair?
Mike: What accident, you mean that one back when he used to work in the chemical plant? That’s just sad, I mean most people who fall into vats of toxic chemicals turn into superheroes. He just turned…ugly.
adammordo: He DID turn into a superhero man. PENIS MAN! With the powerful pickup line of “Ineng, may pang tuition ka na ba?”
Case 7: Mabel
adammordo: The swing set, after this impressive feat, was later hospitalized for massive internal bleeding. The swing set died a few hours later, muttering “i am the strongest swing set in the world!”
Mike: And if that wasn’t bad enough, this tub of lard actually sued the manufacturer of the swing set for damages. We interviewed this monstrosity but all she can say was “Made of titanium my ass.”
adammordo: the courts however exonerated the manufacturer after seeing this photo, where it clearly shows misuse by exceeding way past acceptable load limits.
Mike: Frustrated over her loss in court, the woman jumped into the Indian ocean causing the 2004 tsunami.
adammordo: she was last seen in scotland in search of the loch ness monster, presumably to eat it. nessie has been lucky to avoid her clutches thus far.
Case 8: Betty
Mike: OH MY GOD! LOOK AT THAT! A HEAD POPPED OUT OF THAT BUTT!
adammordo: “please just look at my boobs. really, you don’t want to look any highjer. that’s good enough…”
Mike: Oh those are boobs?
adammordo: i believe so. i could be wrong though. for all we know she could be an overweight contortionist and that might be her butt
adammordo: but why does she have lace on her butt mikey?
Mike: ...
Case 9: Harold
adammordo: uh….
Mike: um…
adammordo: this is just too hideous for words bro
Mike: This picture reminds me why I give away my clothes I don’t use.
Mike: If you hang them in the closet too long, dust mites evolve into this. And it’s not pretty. nope. not pretty at all.
adammordo: whose bra is he using? his little sister’s training bra?
adammordo: so this creature is pretending…
adammordo: to be human?
adammordo: MIMIC!
Mike: There should be laws governing transvestites.
Mike: A law that says you can’t wear women’s clothing until you’ve undergone gender transplant and have breast implants. The world would be sooo much better.
adammordo: and in this case intensive plastic surgery
Mike: Or better yet, one that says you can’t be a transvestite if you’re THIS ugly.
adammordo: nuff said.
Case 10: Reggie
Mike: Awww, why so sad?
adammordo: dude, i’f you look like this, how can you not be sad?
Mike: He looks like those images of yourself when you look at a spoon.
adammordo: i’m not sure if he’s trying to look cute or ghetto. he kinda looks like a sick dacshund
adammordo: he’s just missing the floppy ears
Mike: Either that or he has goiter. I mean, look at those eyes.
adammordo: and there’s some evil looking creature on his lip man. what is that?
Mike: it’s an eyebrow-stache
Mike: I don’t know.
Related:
10:53 PM
My heart goes for Mabel. Or was that really Ursula in some excuse for a disguise. Poor unfortunate soul.
11:32 PM
Who’s your next target? eh. ;D
11:39 PM
you Jolo. when we get to findyour Friendster or Myspace profile.
hehe11:56 PM
Don’t even dare, or else I’ll pierced back all those eleven bullets back to your body!
11:24 AM
I know Mabel.
Now I just want to forget her.
Naaah!!
I could hear the swing set squeak all the way to the junk shop.
02:32 AM
when mabel do a woman on top move for you and starts to sweat; imagine the amount of heat it generates to make you cum so fast and hot….
10:32 AM
Uh…Temptress, no amount of heat can make a man cum, particularly if he’s being slowly crushed to death and drowned in sweat.
03:02 PM
The comments on Arthur and Ricky were hella funny. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being Letterman funny and 1 being an Oh no! It’s Johnny crap), I’d say its a 6… and a half. The rest of the comments I found sad.
10:56 AM
mwahahahaha
case #8 betty
former officemate ko yan ah, aina ata pangalan! weird nga yan! kapal pa ng mukha, kala nya lahat ng tao sa paligid nya may crush sa kanya. ang taba naman! mas mataba pa kay case #7 mabel
01:48 PM
Before these guys find me I’m gonna delete my friendster account!!! No wait, I’ll just search for a keannu reeves pic and make it my primary image! No wait, I’ll just pretend I’m a female escort and post a pic of Betty instead!
07:17 AM
Rumor has it that myspace is coming out with a better version of there site on another domain starting march 1st it will be another social networking site with extra features more i guess to stay ahead of tagworld also i heard it will be www.FriendWise.com i guess well just have to see if that happens.”
03:21 AM
This site is fucking hilarious, man. By now, all the butt uglies of Friendster and MySpace are probably rushing towards the nearest computer to delete their online pictures lest Mike Villar and his posse get a whiff of these abominations. You people are comic geniuses, hands down.
Want to know something even funnier? One of the wretches who got featured in The Atrocities of Friendster commited suicide some days ago. I’m just sorry I can’t tell you who it is as her mom is a family friend of ours and, as it is, she’s still terribly bummed out by the ugly daughter’s demise by virtue of a razor blade. Shit, man, what’s up with her, huh? I mean, she should be having a fucking party. If I had a daughter with a face a dog wouldn’t even shit on, I would’ve drowned her at birth!
Thanks, Mike. Because of you, the world is a much prettier place now. Give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done.
CHRIS
PS: Only thing I’m bothered about, Mike, is that you used your real name. I mean, hell, I admire you for your courage and all, but there are weird folk out there who just might get it into their heads to avenge the ugly people of the world. You do know how easy it is to get all sorts of info about people through the internet, right? But I’m not worried. I’m sure you’ll find something hilarious to write when someone finds your mother with her throat slit and a Phillips screwdriver sticking out of her cunt, huh?
12:44 PM
Holy shit, guys. Someone’s out to get you motherfuckers!
03:08 AM
Ho ho ho. Someone’s out to murder Mikey’s mother and stick a screwdriver up the same cunt that begat the abomination. Ho ho ho. That would be SO cool.
03:16 AM
Uh, Chris? Can me and my friends watch you off Mike’s mother? Afterwards, we can all sit around her dying body and jerk each other off. We can then take pictures so I can post it on my Friendster account.
Unless someone else has a better idea about what to do to Mike’s mother, of course.
03:23 AM
Let’s knock all her teeth out with a monkeywrench first so Mike’s Mommy can suck our dicks. I’ve got a thing for the gums of old women.
03:35 AM
Um, dude. I’m sorry to bother you, but what are you doing talking to yourself?
I’ve been wanting to say something about this but I was afraid I was going to embarass you or something.
Sorry :(
02:04 PM
Hey, what did you expect, dude? With a site like this, it was just a matter of time until the REAL weirdos started crawling out of the woodwork. All part of how fulfilling life can be. Now, the question is: is there really a psychopath out there who’s about to inflict a whole world of pain unto Mrs. Villar anytime soon?
And WHY?!
I mean, I’m not into all that senior sex shit, you dig? Gives me the creeps. Now, Mike Villar’s GIRLFRIEND, that’s another story altogether. Maybe Chris should slit HER throat and stick a screwdriver up HER cunt while mojo and the real mccoy jack each other off. That is, if Mike HAS a girlfriend. I mean, the guy’s obnoxious, for Chrissakes!
Okay, let us say that Mike indeed has no girlfriend at the moment. I, for one, will settle for his SISTER. Yeah, take THAT you bad little girl! Daddy’s got some tough love for you. Gonna whip the fear of Jesus into that cute little cunt of yours. Gonna… what? Mike may not have a little sister? A cousin, maybe? What about the she-wolf that gave him suck?
Ah SHIT.
Okay, what about his maid, fercryinoutloud? Good ole Inday. Why, I’d ram my pecker into her chocolate starfi—
...
Hey, waittaminute. NO, I WOULDN’T!
09:55 AM
hey guys,
i got some spams regarding this site..
i should tell you that it’s not nice/proper to say degrading things to people, especially on their physical appearnces. what if you were made ugly, and people would say degrading things about you..? what would you feel…?
it’s time to “turn-over into a new leaf”, guys!
you also owe an apology to people..
05:25 PM
Turn over into a new leaf? You mean, like, Mike and Company should spontaneously metamorphose into kangkong leaves, or something?
Isn’t it doubly tragic when a guy totally messes up a cliche?
Oooh… snarky…
11:37 PM
wonder twin power activate!!!
“turn-over into a new leaf�!!!
tan-tara-ran… (bg music)
poof
i am now a new “LEAF”... beware bad peoples!!!
03:46 AM
mongoloids!
03:51 AM
[Deleted]
11:53 PM
Puke/Infinite
Mike Villar is not a screen name. He’s an actual person. Adam Mordo is a pseudonym. It’s my pseudonym. My real name is Peter Juan. And if you took the time to read our other posts, then perhaps you wouldn’t be so judgemental yourself. Regarding our pics, there are tons on our personal sites. Here’s mine if you’re not smart enough to do a bit of digging for yourself. And no, I am not handsome. Not at all. Not that I ever claimed that I am. In fact, I openly declare that I’m pretty hideous myself. If people were to berate me for my looks, I’d be fine with it really. I’d laugh it off. Actually, it has happened before. You know what, an open mind and a healthy sense of humor goes a long way.
Now allow me to turn your accusations on to you. You call us cowards simply because you were unable to find our pics? That’s just dumb. Our pics are available to anyone who cares to look. And we don’t hide behind anonymous screen names. I may use a pseudonym but only out of habit. I always reiterate that Adam Mordo is Peter Juan. Mike doesn’t even use a pseudonym. You however can’t even provide a real email address. Who’s a coward now? It’s not like we don’t know that you came from that self righteous thread in your forum.
You immediately made assumptions about our lives, our personalities after reading one article or at most a series of articles. You assume that we have nothing better to do, that we actually “need to get a life”. That’s rather judgemental of you now isn’t it? And to be frank, rather arrogant as well.
Like you said, “there’s more in life than looking at other people’s flaws”. I’m wondering though, what are you doing right now? Aren’t you looking and pointing out what you presume to be flaws in our personalities? At least we judge things we actually see. You judge simply what you assume about us. Isn’t that worse? Oh and by the way the correct form of that phrase is “there’s more to life…” If you wish to banter with me in english, learn it well first. Otherwise, stick to tagalog. You are betraying the limitations of your intelligence.
Go back to your forum. This site is quite above your understanding and sense of humor. Unless you can muster the balls to actually give us your name and email, don’t pollute our sight with your misguided self-righteousness.
11:56 PM
And also please stop being so ugly. Thank you.
01:43 AM
Uh-oh! Now you guys’ve done it! A man/woman/creature with such name and avatar should really mean business.
....
Adam said it all. Need they explain that sense of humor is definitely a requirement before you view most articles on this site?
05:17 AM
The Atrocities of Friendster and MySpace Patrol series have been written so long ago that it seems weird how every few weeks you guys get a brief deluge of hate. Like, tides, man. Does that mean TMB is now commanding the awesome forces of nature?
Hey, wait a minute. I just noticed that Arthur (#1) has the same mobile phone as I do! And he pinches his nipple in front of the mirror EXACTLY as I do too! What the flying fuck—?
08:34 AM
I only wish I could find puke’s place and slap the hell out of him/her/it/whatever.
10:24 PM
thats not jay Justiniani of Cueshe, freak! That guy doesnt even look like him! And Cueshe is not the most hated band in the Philippines, dumbass! Fuck you!
11:34 PM
^ paging captain obvious…
06:27 AM
Evildoers and dumb fucks, feel my wrath!
10:44 PM
To commenter ‘fuck you’:
Of course cueshe is one of the most hated bands in the philippines! okay, cueshe is the most hated band in the philippines to the people who can tell good music from BAD music.
don’t worry though, cueshe is the most LOVED band… FOR JOLOGS PEOPLE!!!! Hahahaha….
01:39 PM
Mike Villar’s series teaches that people should PROPERLY set up their Friendster and Myspace accounts and pictures, or else find themselves a laughing stock. But first of all, they should know what PROPER means!
12:29 PM
Rumor has it that www.friendsnest.com is coming out with a better version august 20th
01:04 PM
And I have it on very good authority that you are a comment spammer friendsnest. Go take your friendster clone wannabe site and shove it up your ass.