The Caucasian's guide to transportation in the Philippines: The Traysikel
With the start of the New Year, a considerable number of tourists are looking forward to spending their summers in the Philippines; and really, who can blame them? The Philippines is teeming with white sand beaches, crystal clear waters and nubile young girls who will love anyone long time in exchange for a green card and a little cash to buy shiny little bracelets.
I am writing this series of articles for the benefit of first time visitors to this great country. In this article we are going to talk about your transportation options as before you can enjoy the sights and sounds of town, you will need to get around and this, as simple as it sounds, may prove difficult for the uninitiated.
You first should be familiar with the various characters who inhabit the highways of the Philippines and the various instruments of death and destruction they drive. If you are from Brazil, well we really don’t care about you as you probably don’t have much money but if you live in rich countries particularly ones situated in North America and Europe, then we love you and would do everything to make your stay here as fun-filled as possible because seriously, if we lose more foreign investments, the Japanese will nuke the shit out of us and use our fertile soils to grow electric babies who will grow up to have ginormous eyes and small hips.
The ‘Traysikel’
Not to be confused with the Tricycle, you know, that little contraption with streamers you rode on while you watched your mom run away with a real estate agent and your dad crying infront of your trailer home?
The Traysikel is actually the primary means of transportation in urban sidestreets and provincial barrios and has been the number one source of AWESOME VEHICULAR ACCIDENT DEATHS for a solid three years in a row!
Key Features
- Flimsy sidecar made of aluminum that ensures maximum corporeal mutiliation when the Traysikel inevitably gets hit by a 6 ton truck.
- Stickers/Decals that doesn’t make any fucking sense (ilocana’s pride, BhoyetZ, etc.)
- Halogen lamps that do absolutely nothing
- Human Turn signals which involves the driver of the traysikel sticking out his hand or leg to the direction in which he intends to turn. Usually done 5 seconds after the actual turn is made or 5 seconds after getting run off the road by an angry, self-important middle-aged man driving a Mercedes Benz.
Capacity
Ideally, the Traysikel can carry two passengers: The driver and the actual paying passenger (sidecar). However, given the small physical stature of Filipinos, I’ve seen Traysikels carry up to ten passengers (2 adults, 8 kindergarten kids; two of which were hanging on to dear life riding the sidecar bumper)
Since you, caucasian reader, are probably overweight, smelly and have freckles, riding a Traysikel can be extremely uncomfortable; and the fact that you are occupying space which can serve three average-sized Filipino passengers, you will have to pay extra fare.
Entertainment
Traysikels come with totally pumping sound systems which are complemented by an excellent selection of remixed CD’s. Among all the public transportation drivers, Traysikel drivers have arguably the best musical taste. Their selection includes such wonderful songs as:
- Britney Spears’ Baby one more time remixed with 50 Cent’s in da club
- Spandau Ballet’s Gold remixed with 50 Cent’s in da club
- Meatloaf’s I would do anything for love remixed with 50 Cent’s in da club
- Elton John’s Skyline Pigeon remixed with 50 Cent’s in da club
- Lionel Ritchie’s Hello remixed with 50 Cent’s in da club
Additionally, smoke emanating from the Traysikel’s exhaust system is THE BEST SMELLING VEHICLUAR SMOKE IN THE WORLD! Studies have shown that prolonged exposure to Traysikel smoke causes people to feel light-headed and experience a sense of levity and sexual pleasure.
The Driver
Traysikel Drivers are the wrong motherfuckers to fuck with. They usually travel in packs known as “Todas” which are geographical gangs hundreds strong on average.
Traysikel drivers usually have this quaint southern accent and wear sleeves on both arms similar to what Allen Iverson wears and wear shirts with their Toda’s name written across the back.
These drivers are considered to be the bravest in the world as they are known to cut off huge city buses, break every traffic law that ever existed and attempt to overtake faster vehicles with a bravura that would make baby Jesus cringe and shake his head in shame and disgust.
Safety
You = Armadillo
