The Picking Up Women Series: STARBUCKS
Is your life a hellish vacuum? Are the milestones of your charmless, inhospitable existence limited only to mentally distressed nocturnal screams of heartache? Is your longing for female companionship so desperate that even cockroaches are creeped out by your excessive emotional obsession to finding a partner and proceed to call you “pervfuck” while you sleep?
Well fret not, because I am here to give you more useless tips to help you claw your way out of your terrible hellscape of depression!
“But Mikey!” You might say in your annoying, high-pitched voice, “You and your colleagues have already written a lot about picking up women! And I go to Nepa Q-Mart about once a month to buy vegetables and yet I can’t seem to pick up women!”
Well my friend, SHUTUP YOUR FACE! SHUTUP YOUR FACE AND LISTEN! because I am going to show you how to pick up women in a really popular dating hotspot! And by ‘hotspot’ I don’t mean that weird tropical STD I contracted in the summer of 97 but rather…
Starbucks. As an establishment that epitomizes everything that’s wrong with western commercialized culture and the pitiful third world market that patronizes it, Starbucks is actually an excellent place to get high-quality, USDA-approved meat if you know what I mean.
The trick here is to head down to your local Starbucks with a sweater and the thickest, most pretentious book you can find and order a coffee concoction that costs at least 200 Pesos.
Now for the secret sauce that’s sure to send those rich, pretentious art majors flying into your longing, intellectual arms: Formulate a sentence using the patented template below:
My Opinion is that (A) totally _(B)The Novel (C)_ with astounding___(D)___Choices for (A)
- Khalil Gibran
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez
- Milan Kundera
- Pablo Neruda
- Immanuel Kant
Choices for (B)
- towered over
- outshone
- bastardized
Choices for©
- To The Lighthouse
- Mrs. Dalloway
- Heart of Darkness
- Lolita
Choices for (D)
- lifelikeness
- steadfastness
- surrealism
Sample Usage: My Opinion is that Milan Kundera totally towered over the novel Mrs. Dalloway with astounding surrealism.
How not to do it:
If you’ve done everything I told you to do at this point, you’ve probably already found an attractive mate. If not, you should start looking good or come up with a rock solid alibi for the judge of your future sex crime trial.
Also, I hate the guy on the picture above. The look on his face reminds me of my ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend. Especially that time he called the cops after I broke all the windows of his car by throwing soda cans at it. That pietistic son of a bitch.
Anyway, that’s all the time I have for now. Stay tuned for the next installment of The Picking Up Women Series: Dating – How to weave an intricate web of lies you will base your entire relationship on.
