Man-Blog

A monster 84-step guide to having awesome breakups!

Editor: Mike Villar | Section: the-fag-squad | Email this | Viewed 690 times.

Over at The Man Blog, we have written enough material on picking up women, dating and relationships to make tomes that can fill entire library wings.

What we haven’t had the chance to write about, and something we’ve been feeling remiss about, are breakups.

I mean all of us, at one point or another, will go through breakups. It’s simply one of those inevitable things in life—like getting born and going through…a breakup.

When the wheels of a relationship come off, there’s usually not a lot either party can do but attempt to move on with as less pain as possible and hope for the best.

Or they could turn those frowns upside down into evil, weird-looking smirks and use this guide to get the most fun out of breakups and make it a really awesome experience instead! So, if you’re ready, take the amulet key hanging from your neck and insert it in the slot in front of you.

Step 1: Finding a girl you can break up with

The first step to an awesome breakup is actually the toughest. Finding girls can be a big bitch as most girls are ninjas, have built in stealth mechanisms and are innately surreptitious.

Make sure to check cupboards and drawers as well as areas under beds because chances are, there are girls hiding there.

As soon as you find one, ask her out on a date and proceed to step 2.

Step 2: Make her your girlfriend

Girlfriending a girl entails spending more time with her, making out with her and bearing with her as she yaks about how she envisions your wedding to be. Sometimes, she’ll even go as far as coming up with awkward, creepy descriptions of what your children will look like and even meld your pictures with her’s using morphing software to depict them. Girlfriending someone also entails you not looking grossed out when she starts talking about her vaginal infection using medical terms like candidiasis or apartheid or something.

Sometimes, this step also involves love.

Step 3: Argue with that bitch!

This step, for most people, is the easiest step since usually, for couples who spend enough time together, arguing comes as naturally as moving your lips and making any sound with your mouth. But, if for some reason, you find yourself having trouble starting an argument, here are a few argument-starters to help you get going:

• “I told you to arrange my CD collection alphabetically, not by genre. What are you? Stupid?”


• “I wish you could stop whining about how you think you’re fat. I’ve told you dozens of times already, You’re not fat. But of course I was just saying that so I could shut you up. So yeah, shut up. Shut up and hit the gym!”


• “Your being a woman turns me off”


• “The television shows you watch suck.


• “Hi Honey, let’s argue about money!”

Once you’ve gotten the hang out of step 4, it’s time to take it to the next level which is to break up with your girlfriend. The best way to go about doing this is to start an argument using one of the topics I highlighted in step 3, keep duking it out until she says “I give up! You’re impossible! WE’RE DONE!” and walks out.

If you do this correctly, ten minutes later, she’ll send you a text message to the effect off “Im nt ready 2 tlk yet. U r an ashole and I rly h8 u.” and then, about an hour later she’ll send you one that says “Im sry, I gt carrid away, cn we talk abt it?” And then finally, “Y did u post our nakd pics on ur blog? I said sry! see me 2day we need to talk”

Of course we all know this leads to…

Step 5: Getting back together!

What the fuck were you thinking? This woman’s your soulmate! Everything you went through was just a rough patch on the road towards marital bliss! You just need to sit down with her and talk about the things you both need to work on.

Step 6: Breakup time!

What the fuck were you thinking? You can’t stand her! Fuck this and fuck her! This shit’s over!

Step 7: Getting Back Together!

Baby, I’m sorry
Please forgive me for all the wrong I’ve done
Please come back home girl
I know you put all your trust in me
I’m sorry I let you down Please forgive me.

Gonna swallow my pride
Say I’m sorry
Stop pointing fingers the blame is on me
I want a new life
And I want it with you
If you feel the same
Don’t ever let it go
You gotta believe in the spirt of love
It can heal all things
We won’t hurt anymore
No I don’t believe our love’s terminal
I’m down on my knees begging you please
Come home

Step 8: Breakup time!

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Step 9: Getting Back Together!

...I’m down on bended knee..woh oh...

Step 10: Breakup time!

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Step 77: Breakup time! This time fer realz!

That’s it, You have to stop kidding yourself. You’re done with this shit.

Step 78: Seriously we’re breaking up this time

The other ones were dry runs, you’re seriously doing it this time.

Step 79: Holy shit what did I do?!

Why isn’t she calling me!? Shit, is this really it? I should call her!

Step 80: I don’t know!

No, I shouldn’t call her, she should call me!

Step 81: Feel sad as fuck

There are two ways of going about this long, tedious step: First, there’s the Mike Villar method, in which you consume as much alcohol as humanly possible and have lots of empty, paid sex that leave you feeling even sadder and more depressed every time.

Then there’s the nerd approach where you play DoTA a lot, vent out with your internet friends on forums and not have lots of empty, paid sex that would make you feel emptier and sadder than before.

However which way you choose to go about it, what’s important is to remember that all of this is just temporary and it shall pass with time. No it wouldn’t, what the fuck am I saying? She was all I had and now she’s gone! I might as well end all my suffering now by slashing my wrist while listening to Typecast. My life is meaningless!

Step 82: Feeling slightly better

You are now coming to terms with the fact that you have, indeed, broken up with your ex. This is the step where you inject yourself back into life and catch up on everything you missed while you were sulking and thinking about inventive ways to kill yourself.

You start getting your groove back at work; you flirt with every girl you come into contact with and fall in love with every single one that flirts back because the loneliness you’re feeling, although it has ebbed, is still overwhelming.

Step 83: Feeling perfectly fine

Success! You are now over your ex and through everything you’ve experienced, you are now a better person! Yay for you!

Step 84: Getting back in touch with your ex

You are totally over her and you want to talk to her and shove this fact in her face as many times as it takes her to agree to get back with you. I mean you’re a better person now! She must want you back right?