Dealing With Break-Ups: The Whoopi Goldberg Masturbation Challenge
If I had a dime for every time I had my heart broken this year alone, I’d have about ninety cents. A break-up, even if you and your significant other get back together eventually, is still a break-up. And I don’t know about you, but to me, each one hurts as much as having my nipples severed slowly with a nailcutter.
“Around nine break-ups this year alone, eh?” I wouldn’t say that I’ve gotten used to it. Like I mentioned earlier, each one brings an equal amount of pain. But what I did learn from my relationship fuck-ups is that the more I think about my troubles, the more depressed I get. All I needed was to do was distract myself, because honestly, a mere 15 minutes of not being reminded of how romantically doomed I am for all eternity would be of great help. So I recently devised an activity to serve as a diversion to better cope with my run-of-the-mill heartache. Being the awesome guy that I am, I’m sharing it with you. But you’ll have to pay me.
This activity is called “The Whoopi Goldberg Masturbation Challenge.” It’s pretty self-explanatory, but this isn’t as easy as it sounds. For starters, you’re trying to beat off to Whoopi Goldberg.
Whoopi Goldberg. Oh yeah.
And I’m making this game a little more interesting, because if tugging it to Whoopi Goldberg weren’t difficult enough, wait until you hear this: Searching for Photoshopped fakes on the internet doesn’t count, so what you have to do is actually procure a copy a Whoopi Goldberg full-length feature and masturbate to a particular scene with her in it.
Surely you have a few Whoopi Goldberg tapes lying around in your house somewhere. I personally have The Color Purple (Hey, it’s Spielberg), Ghost (Swayze!), Call Me Claus (It’s my sister’s I swear to God), and Bogus (Incidentally, Gerard Depardieu can be the subject of the female version of this masturbation challenge which, incidentally, would be called “The Gerard Depardieu Masturbation Challenge.” Duh. DUUUUH.)
Gerard Depardieu. Spicy.
Okay, so it’s probably going to take you at least 45 minutes to even get a chubby, but the whole point of it is to get as much time to take your mind off of your cunt of an ex. And constantly rewinding the scene of your choosing is a bit arduous, but that’s why it’s called “The Whoopi Goldberg Masturbation Challenge,” douche.
Anyway, the best part about this game is that I ALWAYS WIN. Sure, afterwards my penis would resemble Hilary Swank after she got beat up by those dudes in that movie where she pretended to be a dude and shit, but it’s all worth it. I know that you, too, would do anything to forget all about that slutbag ex of yours.
