The Mix Tape...Of Love!
In about a week’s time, my girlfriend is celebrating her birthday. Since I am a successful, elegant urban professional, I have taken it upon myself to assemble the most romantic, most expensive gift I could ever hope to conceive: THE MIX TAPE…OF LOVE! (Yes, I know. Shut up.)
The problem with this idea, as is the problem with all the other ideas I’ve had, is that it’s half-assed. If I could write about a book about my life, a good part of it would be discussing in detail how I have always been good in starting and never finishing. My interest on things I thought I’m passionate about wane quickly. But this, dear friends is different. To say that the Mix Tape…of love! is an “interest” would be a severe understatement because recently, this has become nothing short of a full-blown obsession for me.
I want to create one of the greatest, if not THE greatest mix tape in the history of mankind. I want to concoct something so great that you’d have to be either paralyzed from the waist down or have a weird inverted penis not to get some poontang whenever you play this around women. I want to be able to make something so compelling that no woman, her sobriety notwithstanding, would be able to resist the urge to take in the awesome cock of the equally awesome guy who plays this mix tape. I want to create something so powerful that if Buddha was alive and wanted so score some curry-flavored punani, it would’ve been what he’d pop into his CD player
You might be asking yourself “What the fuck is he thinking? Any douchebag with an Internet connection and a CD writer can make a Mix tape…of love!” Well, if you fucking, shut up for 5 minutes, I’ll get to that. Listen, it’s not hard for any idiot to burn “Careless Whisper” or “How am I supposed to live without you” on a CD. But it takes nothing short of genius to create a compilation to evoke the desired feeling from a woman, and that is the feeling to strip off all articles of clothing (or maybe except her panties, if you’re into that kind of shit) and feel like she badly needs to grab some cock and ram it up any suitable orifice in her body. And face it, if you have some girl you’re trying to impress with you in say your apartment and you put on Ronan Keating’s version of “when you say nothing at all”, she’s going to think that a.) You’re just trying to get in her panties (Which is most likely the case) b.) You are lame or c.) You have some sort of weird, infectious tropical STD.
The mix tape…of love! does not revolve such trite, predictable songs. Instead, it is made up of songs which aim to create a romantic, disarming atmosphere which, with ample amounts of alcohol, or if available, any date rape drug, will significantly improve your chances of seeing, touching, and if you’re lucky, even penetrating some pussy with your little bird.
This week marks a colossal milestone in the formulation of the mix tape…of love! Nothing on the track list is definite but I’m definitely on the right track. Let me go ahead and share with you the partial track list and tell me if I’m the only one who thinks that Nick Drake probably said something to the effect of “You know that fat asshole Mike Villar? Even with his girlfriend, he needs all the help he can get to get late, so I’ll go ahead and write a song for his mix tape…of love! That pathetic bastard)
Feel free to suggest songs for the mix tape…of love! Because really, Nick Drake is right. If my girlfriend doesn’t give in to this…this..subterfuge, I may need to find another girl willing to check in to a seedy motel with me—and really I’m tired of paying women amounts in excess of 1,500 pesos plus an old Nokia phone to do this with me.
The mix tape…of love! Partial Track list:
- Nick Drake – Pink Moon (Profess your undying love to your girl while this song plays. Or maybe impress her a little by discussing the Super string theory to her. Or something)
- Lionel Ritchie – Hello (By the time this song comes on, your girl has probably consumed enough alcohol to put her guard down a little and allow you to kiss her. Go the extra mile and fondle her boobs.)
- Mariah Carey featuring Joe and 98 Degrees – Thank God I Found You (If your girl hasn’t called the cops yet at this point, take this opportunity to create an atmosphere more conducive to sex. Why don’t you go ahead and light some candles? Get some more wine? Whisper “Sorry Mario, but the princess is in another castle” in her ear in a weird British accent. Whatever works for you.)
- Sugababes – Push the button (This song is a bland, boring song about a girl who keeps dropping hints to a guy she wants to fuck. Guy doesn’t get it. Also, this probably has nothing to do with your situation, but the bass lines are perfect for some moderately-paced, awkward clothed sex.)
- Tori Amos – Sleeps with Butterflies (This is an excellent cooldown song. Of course, this is assuming you didn’t blow your load as early as the previous song)
- Kai – Say you’ll stay (Because she probably won’t unless you pay for extra hours.)
This is all I have so far. If you have anymore awesome songs in mind, feel free to drop a comment below or send me an email at mike [at] mikevillar [dot] com.
