Men, Let's Talk About Menstruation!
I feel I am in a sprightly i-love-the-world mood today. It may be that my monthly period is over and I feel a lot better without a pad stuck in my peepee or it may be that for the first time in more than a week I’ve actually had real food for breakfast—i don’t know. But I feel good today and I’m wearing an off-white sweatshirt, a blue miniskirt and striped sneakers to prove it. I’m okay, the world is kind, I have a bag of Cheetos to my left and I feel oh-so-right. Guh.
So I dunno I feel like talking about menses today. An interesting quote said that a man should not trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die. I must say this is very sensible advice, because vaginas are dangerous things to poke around with. They can suddenly malfunction and before you know it, babies are crawling all over your boxers wanting love and attention. Also vajayjays have a sad affliction: they bleed darkish red blood every month for more or less a week and they cause havoc on relationships, power structures and the world in general.
Man, have you ever wondered how it feels? Blood slowly trickling down to your panties as the pad does its job of soaking it all up. Some women insist on using the old-fashioned thick pad that’s stuffed with cotton (or whatchum you call it) and absorbs as well as a basahan. This I don’t understand at all. Thick pads bunch up and cause this ugly feeling of having something shoved between your legs, horizontally. Imagine walking around, sleeping around for some five days with this feeling. Add to that the moist, sticky blood clinging to the vagina’s surface. Ugh. Thick pads should be banned from the face of the earth until the universe bangs up again like whoa and humans go back to being stupid bacterias.
Ultra-thin pads (about as thick as ten pages of a typical pocket book) are a little superior. They almost feel like nothing, and the blood turns into some sort of fun gel as soon as it hits the pad’s surface. Thus, the sticky feeling is considerably minimized. I will die if I do not have my supply of ultra-thins. I can kill if I do not have my supply of ultra-thins. You get the point.
Also there’s this thing called dysmenorrhea. I’ve had bad episodes myself. The pain would start in the area below the belly, spread to the lower back after about 30 minutes to one hour, and then go to the upper legs. Then I get really cold and spasm with little shivers, forming goosebumps all over my body. If I was particularly lucky I would barf the whole of the first day of the period. Dysmenorrhea. I always say it with reverence. It’s the only thing (closely seconded by yogurt-inflicted diarrhea) that made me double up in pain like a cat soaked with boiling water. Good thing cool stuff like Dolfenal 500 were invented. Or else.
Now man, knowing all this: can you blame us when we start to bitch fit and get incredibly unfair during, and a little after, the menses? It’s a really uncomfortable and sometimes painful time of the month. We wish it happens less often, and maybe, I dunno, never, but Mother Nature has been known to have a natty sense of humor. We cope with it by being overly demanding and more than a little mean, I suggest you cope with it by being a slave for five or so days every month. It’s really so very simple and egalitarian. Right? Just say right.
Okay, now I’m done saying my piece of shit I go back to my Cheetos now. I think a site guy will be really unfortunate for the next couple of days because the PMS will start working a little after this temporary high I’m experiencing wears off. Good luck, soldier.
