Man-Blog

Standing At Attention: The Mystery of Morning Wood

Editor: Bim Barbieto | Section: the-nasty | Email this | Viewed 820 times.

For as long as men have been around to roam the Earth, one thing has remained constant and will happen as sure as the sun will rise the next day- morning wood. Yes, the boner we get as we wake up.

How much do we know of this morning companion? What causes it? Why is it there? What can we do with it? Well, rest your weary head, my friend- both of them. The good people over at The Man Blog have studied boners (some more than others) for years now, and now they are ready to share what we know.

How does it happen? Time to unleash the science, bitches.

It’s also known as Nocturnal penile tumescence. Now, I know that big a word can be daunting to all men out there who think with their meat sticks, so we’ll just refer to it as morning wood for the remainder of this helpful piece of literature.

The good news is that if you get morning wood, it means you aren’t experiencing erectile dysfunction, otherwise known as “it happens to all men, but not to me!”

No one knows exactly why it happens. Even the Man Blog guys are stumped, pun intended. However, we know that it happens most often during REM sleep (that’s rapid eye movement to the uninformed and stupid). It happens about 4 times every night on average and can last for half an hour each. So while we slumber, our dicks are like slow motion versions of ferrets.

One theory states that (science time!!!) the noradrenergic neurons of the locus cerleus that are inhibitory to penile erection (that’s what stops your soldier to stand at attention) stops their discharge during REM, and makes your willy go wonkers. Yes, penis euphemisms FTW.

Does it have anything to do with a full bladder? No. It does not. In fact, if you do have a super morning wood (I’d make a graphic, but I’m trying to keep it to an R rating here, folks), you SHOULD NOT physically force yourself to urinate. Just like her:

Why? Forcing your weewee to shoot during a full boner may damage your internal valves, the ones designed to keep your dick-butter to flow when your schlong is expecting to release man-butter during beating off or intercourse.

When you live with room mates or your folks or just people you don’t generally want to see you with a raging hard-on, here are some tips: – Wear tiny white briefs two sizes smaller when you go to bed. In the morning, after you’ve crippled your trouser snake, it’ll be kept within its cotton cage, away from prying eyes.

Like so – Release your crotch rocket and use the garter on whatever garments you have on to conceal it. – Hug a pillow while you walk around, waiting for it to go down. – Beat off (though this does not always help) – Pretend your stomach hurts and hunch over, effectively hiding your mini-man.

We’ve got that covered. But do you know what to do with it when you’re with your woman? Maybe you don’t, because apparently, women react differently to it. I interviewed a few girls, who will remain anonymous, and they were very helpful in helping men understand how girls view morning wood. The names of the girls are pseudonyms.

Question: What do you think of morning wood when you see it on your man?

Anne: It’s weird.Eh usually naman kapag makakita ka ng morning wood, you just woke up yourself diba? Eh di groggy pa state mo to think/wonder about it. I know it’s normal, I just don’t get why it’s there. Men get erection when aroused lang diba? Eh what the hell, kakagising lang meron na.

Pinkie: Natural lang yun, diba? I would be more afraid if it didn’t do morning wood.

Nevermind: I haven’t experienced it. Hot, I guess.

Alex Delange: Don’t know much about that. I think that’s something natural on them anyway.

Flummery: Isn’t that pretty normal? Being the opportunist that I am, I should be thankful for such a thing to occur. But in some ways, it’s a bit weird.

Ducky McDuck: I love it!

Lauren: I think it means we’re going to have a very good morning!

There you have it, folks. Morning wood case! BUSTED WIDE OPEN!