The New Seven Deadly Sins: I'm Screwed
So, the Vatican has introduced seven new deadly sins. Do they have a committee that decides this kind of shit or something? The Committee of Sins, perhaps? Anyway, these new deadly sins (Genetic Modification, Experimenting on Humans, Polluting the Environment, Causing Social Injustice, Causing Poverty, Becoming Obscenely Wealthy, and Taking Drugs) are more hip than the original seven, and it doesn’t sit well with the old guys.
Pride: We were the first! Why do we need another seven?! We were the stars of a Brad Pitt movie, goddammit!
Wrath: DIE, N00BS! DIE!!!
Lust: Fakers. We can totally kick their pretentious asses. Mmmm… asses. Gangbang, anyone?
Gluttony: Hey, you gonna eat that genetically modified tomato?
Envy: Nobody talked about us when we were introduced to the world. The Internet didn’t turn on the hype machine when we arrived! Why should these punks get all the attention and the drama?!
Sloth: Meh.
Greed: All sinners are ours for the taking! Not yours, OURS! Also, get off our lawn!
If you ask me, the original Seven Deadly Enemies of Man have a point. Do we really need seven more deadly enemies? The originals are deadly enough for chrissakes. Gluttony and Sloth alone guarantee my soul to be Satan’s property after I kick the damn bucket.
Not my picture. Ass.
Know what I suggest? Replace the original seven with the new ones. The originals are way too general anyway. Their names are pretty cool, though. But I’m 7 out of 7 while they’re in charge. I feel perfectly benevolent with the new guys. Or maybe not.
God: Let’s see here… Have you genetically modified any living creature or plant life?
Baddie: Hell no! I’m sorry, I meant “Of course not”.
God: Check. Have you experimented on humans?
Baddie: Well, once I messed with their minds when I let them think I was your bastard son.
God: ...
Baddie: It was a birthday party. We were all drunk. Fun times.
God: Well then, that’s OK. Check. Have you taken drugs, though?
Baddie: Not the illegal kind, no. I think.
God: Umm… good. Check. Have you caused social injustice in some form or another?
Baddie: I’m a practitioner of Fair Play, man. I’m all about Justice. In fact, I’m a Libra!
God: Fine. Check. Have you caused poverty?
Baddie: Nope. I love the poor. I stay away from the homeless, though. They creep me out.
God: Check. You obscenely wealthy?
Baddie: HAHAHAHAHA! No.
God: Check. Do you pollute the environment?
Baddie: Well, I throw cigarette butts out of the window of my car when I’m driv—
God: WELCOME TO THUNDERDOME!
Baddie: Shit.
03:40 PM
This article is even funnier than the perception that the pope looks like a turtle. I love teh Baddey!!!
03:49 PM
And it was Coco who implanted that perception in my head. Counts as polluting the environment?
05:21 PM
More like experimenting on humans. You’re Coco’s Turtle Pope Gag Experiment #00-001-A. Also, I love you too.
06:03 PM
Experim—- ???? Go to hell!!!
06:18 PM
Just to clarify, it’s the dead Pope, not the new one.
And Baddie, next time you talk to god, hook a brother up and ask him what the meaning of life is, and why he found it appropriate to give me a dong that bends too far to the right. TIA.
07:26 PM
Hey, Baddie! Satan called, says he needs his seat back.
Oh lookit what you did to jm! You turned him into a chimp. Stop experimenting on unsuspecting victims, you evil people you!
09:31 AM
@jm: You first, Coco’s Turtle Pope Gag Experiment #00-001-A!
@Coco: Sureness. Baddie and G-Dawg are tight!
@Steel: Well tell Satan to go to hell!!! No, wait.