Coco Likes Having Enemies: The Official Two-Step Guide to Twittering for the Twitter Noob.
I know I’m a year late, but with everyone and their Mom having a Twitter account by now, I just had to see what the fuss was all about. So I recently signed up for the servi—JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST CHEWBACCA IS ON TWITTER.
That’s it, I am officially in love with Twitter.
My first couple of days on Twitter were fine and dandy; I received twits which concerned hooker parties and a video of a Japanese man peeling a banana with his ass, among other things. I, on the other hand, posted updates regarding Mikey’s version of Bim’s Glee Face (this seriously needs a Wikipedia page), and the song “Sweet Baby” by George Duke and Stanley Clarke being stuck in my head.
I mean, come on.
Anyway. Like I said, fine and dandy. Until I decided to express my enthusiasm towards a profile update on blink-182’s Myspace page by twitting about it. The Myspace thing eventually turned out to be nothing, but the prospect of a reunion of my all-time, most favorite band pretty much got me the most ginormous amount of jollies in all of jolly-getting history. I would seriously, seriously crap my pants if that ever happened. But lo, mere minutes after I posted the above-mentioned twit, my good chum Fritz broadcasted the following reply:
And that got me thinking: What other rules should a Twitter-noob like me abide by? Instead of simply asking Fritz or any other Twitter veteran for advice, I chose to do some online sleuthing and took note of significant patterns in the many updates I received from February 13 to February 18, 2008. I also crept under a few Twitter users’ desks for observatory peeps at their Twittering behavior. And their vaginas.
So, what was once unwritten law is now… written law (?). Without further ado, here be “The Official Two-Step Guide to Twittering for the Twitter Noob.”
1. Never, ever twit about blink-182.
Exhibit 1a.
Duh. That was pretty obvious.
And 2. Twit In A Manner Which Makes You Seem Like THE SMARTEST PERSON ALIVE. Like so:
Exhibit 2a.
Beacause, really. Nothing makes you sound more like a bona fide genius than typing in that approach. REALLY.
Here’s another example of proper Twittering:
Exhibit 2b.
Upon initial perusal, it doesn’t appear to be a far cry from its inbred cousin, the Textese or Text Speak. Observe:
Exhibit 2c.
But look closely. Exhibit 2c seems to be just about the dumbest thing you’ve ever read, right? Whereas Exhibit 2b doesn’t sound retarded AT ALL. REALLY.
BECAUSE TALKING LIKE A DYSLEXIC FOUR YEAR-OLD ISN’T THE LEAST BIT ANNOYING. TRUST ME. IT’S NOT. AND EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT. WHICH MAKES IT MUCH MORE FUN. HEARING THAT SHIT ALL DAY. IT’S THE BEST. I ACTUALLY ENJOYED READING A BAJILLION VARIATIONS OF PEOPLE SAYING THAT THEY’RE ABOUT TO EAT A SANDWICH, ALL OF WHICH STARTED WITH “IZ” AND ENDED WITH “NAO.” THE ONLY DIFFERENCE WAS WHAT LIED IN THE MIDDLE. AND REPLACING THE LETTER “Y” WITH “EH?” AS IN “YUMMEH,” “PARTEH,” ETC.? FUCKING HILARIOUS. I SWEAR TO GOD. I MEAN, YOU’D THINK THAT THERE’S SO LITTLE TO WORK WITH BUT THESE PEOPLE MANAGE TO PULL IT OFF, FOR SOME GOD-FORSAKEN REASON. BUT IT’S OKAY BECAUSE IT NEVER GETS ANNOYING. REALLY. IT DOESN’T.
That being said, O HAI ADD ME UP AT HTTP://TWITTER.COM/COCO_COLLANTES. NO GAYS PLZ.
06:43 AM
So it was you who was checking out my vagina.
No, wait.
12:31 PM
O hai thar Coco nais to see u on Twittarz I go nao bai.
12:37 PM
Um dude, that wasn’t me. Which means that there’s a vagina-peeper at large in your office. You might want to call the police or something. And maybe tell your employees to look for out for shady characters who tend to hang out beneath desks and peep at vaginas.
07:43 PM
Aww, he typed the last two paragraphs in all caps so we all could read them easily. What a nice gai, this Coco iz.