My Macbook and Gay Fingazzz!
I’ve been resisting the temptation of getting a Mac for as long as I can remember. This is primarily because for all that’s been said about macs and their touted simplicity and superior architecture, I still saw them as clunky, awkward computers only pretentious art fags with small penises would use.
I am not really sure why I finally gave in and got myself a Macbook but I’m sure it had something to do with the fact that my previous laptop, a monstrosity me and my friends passionately call “Bubba”, has been with me for over a year now, weighs something close to 50 lbs, has a battery life of eight seconds, and takes half an hour to boot.
But yeah, whatever. That’s not important anymore. What’s important is that I got a boost in the self-esteem department for a purchase that is equivalent to the cost of my parents’ first house and anything that strokes my self-esteem no matter the cost—economic, moral, emotional and even criminal—is always a good thing.
(The company is subsidizing part of the cost of my laptop and is deducting the rest of the cost from my monthly salary. And that’s REALLY what I need right now. I mean come on, I’m 24 thousand pesos deep into credit card debt, and here I am spending money I don’t have. Yes, I am THAT good with money. And yes, I can’t wait to have kids so I can have a stiff watching them die of starvation and get a kick out of beating up my wife every night.)
Now, I hate to admit this, but even though I’m one of the most sought after Internet Marketing Professionals in the country (Just play along), I am terribly incompetent and ineffectual when it comes to computers (The last time I tried to install an operating system for my dad’s laptop, I ended up deleting all his work files and cost him a VP-level promotion. Dad, if you’re reading this, I’m still sorry for that. That, and the time I tried to poison you because you wouldn’t buy me cotton candy from Fiesta Carnival.), so you really can’t count on me to give an in-depth review of the pros and cons of my mac. In the short time I’ve spent using my macbook however, I can pretty much say that I enjoy exactly ONE feature and absolutely HATE another.
iEnjoy iSight (henceforth called the Portal of Pleasure)
I don’t know if one should even be impressed by this, I mean come on, webcams have been around for at least a decade now. But for some reason, my brains are all over the place just talking about iSight because, Jesus Christ this is just awesome. And I don’t mean just Awesome in the “Whoa, this is fucking cool” way but rather in the “BULBOL NG MADRE! PUTANG INA ANG ASTIG NITO! WEEEEEE!” way.
Of course I feel this way about The Portal of Pleasure because of the endless possibilities it brings forth as far as my sexual pleasure would go. After my relationship with my last girlfriend ended, my sex life has been a messy, tedious story of erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, massage parlors, and of course, lust and hate.
In retrospect, my relationship with my ex-girlfriend (who is somewhere in the middle east. Yes, long distance) wouldn’t have caved in had I bought a laptop with a webcam earlier. You see, the problem with me is that I can pretty much stand not physically being with the person, but I kind of choke when I don’t get to interact with the person while getting to see her. I’d like to think of myself as some sort of awesome sexual cactus who could go on without sex for extended periods of time, but because I am clinically depressed and need constant reassurance—and i need this delivered not via chat, email or even phone call; I need this said while seeing the facial expression of the person saying it.
I mean come on, it’s so easy to type “I miss you babe. I am really lonely here and I feel so incomplete without you” via IM while sucking some arab guy’s cock at the same time. (No, wait. That’s not easy. Whutev.)
But the Portal of Pleasure changes EVERYTHING. No longer would I be caught in the tedium of masturbating in my room while listening to a Jeff Buckley or Bad English song; now I can search Nicaraguan Dating sites to find a nice girl who can teach me about her country’s primitive ways and enjoy video sex with me and my Asian currency every week but not force me to buy “presentable” clothes because her parents think I dress like a homeless guy and wouldn’t call me out on my Alcohol Problem.
I really look forward to this. Whutev.
iHate, GAY FINGAZZZ!
The thing I hate the most about my Macbook is the way you scroll pages with it. With my old laptop, there is a dedicated portion on the trackpad you simply need to glide your finger up or down on in order to scroll pages. With Macs apparently, you do it by putting two fingers on the trackpad and gliding them to the direction you want to scroll to. Now, this might not sound like a big deal to most of you, but it is really awkward when you do the two finger thing and your pinky perks up like this:
The most annoying part is that this pinky perkup thing kinda sticks with you and you tend to do it whenever you use your right hand for what ever else like sipping from a cup, sending an SMS from your phone or even when you hold your bird to aim while you pee, and in effect—makes you look terribly gay.
