TMB MotherfuCARZ: Fernando: Autopimp 5000.
In honor of the release of the new Knight Rider, we here at TMB decided to come up with a blog series highlighting our own vehicles. Though we’ve always idolized Michael Knight’s K.I.T.T. from the original series, we were kind of offended that NBC looked over our automobiles while casting a new car for the show’s rebirth.
Dejected, we all individually sat down with our cars, handed them a personalized questionnaire, and spoke to them about a variety of topics ranging from current events to, uh, not-so-current events. First up is my very own Fernando: Autopimp 5000.
Name: Fernando: Autopimp 5000
Owner: Coco Collantes
Make/Model: 2005 Mitsubishi Lancer 1.6 GLS A/T OMGWTF
Paint Job: Sedona Red
Favorite Pastimes: Hanging out in the garage, Moving along roads, Moving backwards sometimes, Tennis
Favorite Line from 2 Fast 2 Furious: (Tyrese) Come on, man. Guns, murderers and crooked cops? I was made for this shit, brah!
Coco: So under “Acceleration,” you wrote down “I can go from Zero to ASSHOLE in 4.36 seconds.” Would you mind telling our readers what you meant by that?
Fernando: Autopimp 5000: (Activates super-futuristic stopwatch) 0… 1… 2… 2.68… 3.49… 4.36 SUCK ON MY GIANT BLACK MUFFLER COCO
Coco: ......
Fernando: Autopimp 5000: I kid, man. You know I love you.
Coco: OH YOU LITTLE RASCAL YOU! Power hug?
Coco: What would you say are your best assets?
Fernando: Autopimp 5000: My scent, most definitely. All your hot dates who’ve ridden me (chuckles) can attest to that. For those of you who don’t know, I smell like blood and semen, with hints of green apple and pizza. I rule at setting the mood for romance. Also, I’m really proud of my name. I never really had a chance to thank you for christening me with a kickass name. Thanks man.
Coco: You’re welcome. You probably don’t remember this but you started out as simply “Fernando.” I just added “Autopimp 5000” later on. We sure did one over K.I.T.T.!
Fernando: Autopimp 5000: Did him one over? You mean, we did that sumbish three millennia over! AM I RIGHT AM I RIGHT?! Power hug?
Coco: HAHAHA! HA! Ha… (Wipes tear) Dude, no one probably got that.
Fernando: Autopimp 5000: Okay, for the morons reading this, K.I.T.T. actually stands for Knight Industries Two Thousand. But since I’m Fernando: Autopimp 5000, that means I own him by three millennia; “Willennia,” for all you Big Willie Stylers out there. (Activates super-futuristic stereo)
(But you’ll have to hit “Play” below for it to work. Sorry.)
Coco: Share with us your worst experience.
Fernando: Autopimp 5000: 2007 was a particularly bad year for me. I got sideswiped by a tricycle in Pasay, I got a flat tire along Taft, my side mirrors were stolen in Makati, and we got ticketed for “blocking” that fucking invisible pedestrian lane on the corner of Makati Ave. and Paseo, remember? Oh, and lest I forget:
Coco: Yeah, that was pretty bad. But you’re all fixed up now and good as new.
One last question, Team Obama or Team Clinton?
Fernando: Autopimp 5000: Shoe.
Coco: Good man.
