Bim's Sleeping Tips
The Man-Blog was made for the improvement of all mankind. So far, I’d say it’s doing a kick-ass job; we’ve already decreased unemployment by .024% and reduced world hunger by .0058%. Our specialties include hypnosis to reduce stress and bringing back the dead. However, today, we will help the world with one of its most prevalent problems- insomnia.
Last night, I had a shitty case of insomnia. I was literally having conversations with myself in my head. I was thinking about how tidal waves form (I’m not kidding), and what the maximum weight limit a multi-storey parking lot could hold. At around 4am, I was overcome with exhaustion, and I was able to snooze off.
As a good member of society, I would like to welcome you to-
Me and my minions did a little research, and we’d like to share what we’ve learned with you. So, you, be grateful.
☺ During the day, don’t take lots of small naps. By night, you’ll already feel all rested and energetic. That and you’d screw up your biological clock.
Artist’s interpretation of Biological Clock
☺ Coffee is obviously a stimulant. If you find yourself having trouble sleeping at night, don’t be a moron and stop taking stimulants. Same goes for cigarettes. Honestly, I have trouble figuring out how Fritz ever sleeps.
☺ As soon as you wake up, expose yourself to bright lights. That’s right- Taking off your shorts in front of the light bulbs, burning your pubic hair with its radiance, giving yourself a mild case of UV poisoning in the crotchal area proves to stabilize your bio clock.
How this works, I’m not sure.
☺ If you’re going to exercise, do it during the day. Exercise stimulates the body, so sleeping might be difficult with such an active body. I don’t wholeheartedly agree with this, though. I work out at 10PM, up to 1AM sometimes, and I love sleep after that. Maybe it’s a case-to-case thing.
☺ Check your iron levels. Studies show that iron deficiency in women increases trouble sleeping. Ladies, before you sleep tonight, grab an apple, stick an iron nail into it, then let it sit overnight. The next day, take the nail out of the apple, then enjoy its iron-laiden sweet fructose goodness.
☺ The bed room must be comfortable. Have a bed that you like; and as I’ve found, different people like different beds. I can’t sleep on a big bed just by myself. If I’m alone, it’s gotta be a single. I can’t sleep with more than two pillows. It makes the bed seem cluttered and I end up kicking shit off the bed. My pillow’s gotta be thin and hard, and the huggy pillow has to be soft and fluffy. Yeah, you read right- all Man-Bloggers have huggy pillows.
☺ Your bed room must be primarily for sleeping. Don’t use it for work unless you’re a prostitute. This is because all the bad joojoo from work and stress will rub off on that room; your brain will recognize it as a stressful environment. It’s like being raped in a men’s room cubicle, will you ever be able to pee in that same cubicle? I think not.
☺ Hide your clock. Seeing that digital red-clock of EVIL WAKING is a source of anxiety. Do yourself a favor, eh? Put it somewhere you can’t see it, but close enough to hear it when it goes off. Also, if you’ve got pictures of me lying around your room (because you stalked me, you son of a bitch), you might wanna hide them, too.
☺ Bedtime rituals- they’re important. Things that will train your body, like a dog, to know instinctively that when you hear this or smell that or taste this or ejaculate to that, it’s time to sleep.
Not this kind of ritual. This will get you killed and ridiculed.
☺ Don’t eat large meals before bed. Indigestion can interfere with normal sleep. Also, you don’t want to get fat like a beached whale, do you? Metabolism is slowest during night and especially during sleep, so all that food in your belly will turn you into Jabba The Hutt.
☺ Light snacks before sleep helps, but only specific snacks. Food that contains seratonin, a chemical that helps you relax and get the happies. That thing you used to do when you were a kid, drinking a warm glass of milk before bed time? That’s perfect.
☺ Relax. Though this may seem obvious as two dogs fucking in the middle of your room at 5:34AM, a lot of people tend to forget this. And like most things in life, different things float people’s boats. For me, relaxation would be a nice warm shower, a quick round of online counter-strike and a couple cigs. For others, it’s a nice big phallic object up their butts. No judgement here, brother. To each his own.
☺ Visualize. This works very well for me, and more often than not, leads into dreams. And I do enjoy my dreams… well, most of them. This morning, I woke up thinking to myself “I’m gonna need some therapy.” Think of sheep, jumping over a fence and then being shot midway its jump, leaving a big lump of dead sheep on the other side.
☺ Don’t lie in bed and be restless. Get up, go to another room, watch a little TV. A little relaxation and distraction can do wonders. You can go online, chat with a few of your insomniac friends.
☺ If all else fails, follow this simple procedure:
Find wall.
Bring face into close contact with said wall at great speeds.
Repeat until unable.
