Taxi Ride
Hailing the cab
ME: I need to get to Ortigas. Fast.
DRIVER: Okay. We'll take EDSA?
ME: Whichever way is faster is fine by me, but yes, EDSA sounds good.
DRIVER: Well then, EDSA it is. Brace yourself--
ME: HOLY FUCK DID YOU JUST GO FROM ZERO TO SIXTY IN FIVE SECONDS?!
DRIVER: Actually... zero to sixty-five. Big difference, you know.
ME: But-- but-- YOU DIDN'T EVEN GIVE ME TIME TO PUT MY SEATBELT ON!
DRIVER: Seatbelt? Those big straps by our seats? You mean people use those things? What do they do, protect you from injuries in case of a car crash?
ME: Actually, yes.
DRIVER: Pussy.
***
Five Minutes Later
DRIVER: Sir, you see that sweet old lady in the corner?
ME: Yeah, why?
DRIVER: Wanna see how close we can get without hitting her?
ME: What?
DRIVER: Okay, here we go! (stomps on accelerator)
ME: NO!
DRIVER: What? Sorry I can't hear you over the roar of the engine!
ME: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
***
Ten Minutes Later
ME: Well, that didn't go quite well.
DRIVER: Shut up.
ME: I mean, you just had to see if we could get two inches closer to that old lady. As if five inches away from her at 65kph wasn't cutting it close already.
DRIVER: I said, shut up.
ME: It was awesome though, the way she bounced over the hood of your car. And did you see how she landed? Priceless.
DRIVER: Sir, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna stop right now and hand you over to those cops that are on our tail.
***
Fifteen Minutes Later
ME: You just missed my office you moran!
DRIVER: I know okay? I'd love to drop you off right now. But you forgot the fact that a shitload of cops are chasing us. I can't actually drop you off when our lives are in mortal danger.
ME: So what do we do now?
DRIVER: There's a shotgun under your seat. Shoot the nearest cop down.
***
Twenty Minutes later
ME: Did we lose 'em? Did we lose 'em?!
DRIVER: Stop badgering me about that sir, while I'm DRIVING AT 120 KPH AVOIDING ALL THE CARS ON THE ROAD!
ME: Did we lose 'em? Did we lose 'em?!
DRIVER: HOLY SHIT WE JUST NEARLY HIT THAT TRUCK SHUT UP AND STOP DISTRACTING ME!
ME: What does this button do?
DRIVER: What?! That's the windshield wiper.
ME: What does this button do?
DRIVER: Huh? That's the lighter. Stop bugging me.
ME: What does this do?!
DRIVER: Shut up!
ME: Okay, I'll just pull this lever and see what happens.
DRIVER: Lever?
ME: Yeah? This big one between us?
DRIVER: HOLY FUCK NO DON'T THAT'S THE HANDBRAKE! NOOOOOOOO!
ME: What? Sorry I can't hear you over the roar of the engine!
DRIVER: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
ME: Oh look, we're flying. Now we both know what happens if you abruptly stop at 120 kph. Lolz.
DRIVER: NO! WE'RE GONNA CRASH!
ME: Really? I dunno bout you but I got my seatbelt on.
DRIVER: OH GOD NO I DON'T WANNA DIE PLEASE NO
ME: Pussy.
